There is a pain so utter that it swallows substance up
Then covers the abyss with trance—
So memory can step around—across—upon it
As one within a swoon goes safely where an open-eye would drop him—
—Bone by bone
~Emily Dickinson
To experience pain, one knows they are alive…I either came up with that or read it somewhere.
Over the past two and a half years, I have experienced a lot of emotions. That is of course putting it mildly. They have ranged the whole gamut, varying in intensity as well. The one that is most disturbing by far to me is the numbness. Sometimes it just happens, sometimes there is a trigger, and sometimes it is in reaction to something “emotional.” I have learned more about this, in psychological terms, it is called disassociation. Per Wikipedia (as we often look there for the basic overviews), the definition is:
“In psychology, dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.”
When I experience it when I am with someone, I often will say, hmm, I don’t feel anything (when clearly I should be). It still is weird when it happens. When dealing with grief, PTSD, and depression over this period of time, my body has come to adapt to certain things, and this is one of those coping mechanisms. Apparently it is completely normal, unless it starts happening for long periods of time and interrupting your life, then it can become a problem. I can’t remember at this point the longest stint I have had, but probably a week, not counting the months after Jesse and Bella died. That is different. No, this is when I started to “feel” again. I often joke, and sorry for the dark humor, you don’t get to where I am without it, the first year of grief is a piece of cake. No, it isn’t, but you have that shock, that disassociation that is your buffer. You don’t realize nor have the perspective at that time sadly. And you probably would not want to hear it anyways. However, once that time period passes, the reality, the pain of the event settles into your body. That looks different for a lot of people.
People deal with trauma and grief in different ways. And over time those ways change. One of the things you need to be aware of is the self-destructive tendencies that people may exhibit. Pain is a funny thing. I have come to look at it like this double edged sword, like most things now. That dichotomy. There is a dangerous thing that can happen in this process, let me see if I can illustrate this, and keep in mind, this is my personal experience. That being said, I have read similarish stories that have happened to others. I lost Jesse and Bella in the most horrific way possible, he lost his mind, killed her, then himself. I found them. The images that ramble in my head on a daily basis I would not wish on my worst enemy. There are times, often, that I want to get those images and feelings that come up around everything, out of my head and body. I will do almost anything to make it stop. The emotional pain is so debilitating, crippling, and scary, when it hits the hardest. It is always there on some level, but in order to live and function, you have to learn to “deal” with the lower levels of it. I am fortunate. Really fortunate. I am an alternative medicine practitioner, an acupuncturist, so I have all of this wonderful knowledge that I share with my patients in my head, and in my daily habits. They are natural to me. I know how to eat balanced, drink enough water, exercise, and sleep. Those are pretty much the basics I would teach anyone. I will not bore you with how Chinese Medicine looks at how these affect the body and emotions, but trust me in that they do. One of the coping mechanisms for me to counterbalance this emotional hell and pain is exercise. I run a lot now. I just ran a half marathon this past Sunday. There is a certain point that happens, particularly with the longer runs, that no matter what is happening in my mind and body, it goes away, and all I can do is breath, and run. It is magic. But I can’t run 8-10 miles a day. I work on mindfulness, meditation, breathing, and it works a lot of the time. Then there is alcohol. I have an interesting relationship with that one. My mom died of alcoholism. So there is that. For my whole adult life I have had to be really conscious of my alcohol intake. OCD helps that. If I have a beer everyday for a week, I will freak out and stop for a week. I have had long conversations with my therapist about this. I ask him, what is “ok” to do alcohol wise? Because the thing is, I like it. I love craft beer, I love really good whiskey and bourbon. I could and would give it up if I had to, but I don’t want to. It is one of my “pleasures.” That being said, I need to be aware of the potential rabbit hole I can go down with it. I have only used it a handful of times over these past two and a half years to numb emotional pain. Again, when desparate, you will do anything to stop that pain, but with this one, I am extremely careful. I am sure there are studies on this, but people who experience trauma have the potential to become addicts very easily. I will often joke with my therapist, hey, it is a good week, I haven’t tried heroin yet. I know, not funny.
I think you may have a picture of the above scenario, where you have this pain, and you will do anything to get out of it. Let us look at the flip side. When you are numb and depressed and don’t feel anything. There are times that I have experienced it and as I said, it disturbs me deeply. The sobbing snot flying on the floors experiences I understand, I get. The numb I intellectually get. But when you are putting your dead four year old daughters ornaments on the christmas tree, and feel absolutely nothing, and are aware that you are feeling nothing, it can mess with you. When you have this cloud of depression that hangs over you for weeks at a time when the reality of your life, your situation, your fucking loss…your senses dulled and you feel nothing, it messes with you. This is where the above quote holds, to feel pain is to be alive. When you have this numbness, you feel dead. I have said more than once to my friends, what is the point of this? Keep in mind, when I am experiencing the emotional pain in excess, I say the same thing. But, I digress. You feel like you are wandering the planet just existing, not living. This is where pain helps remind you that you are indeed alive. Again, this can totally backfire. You exercise too hard, and injure yourself. You go do things that you may never have done before with the potential of harm, and you are like fuck it, why not. The example that comes to mind would like me getting skis on, going to the top of a mountain, and just skiing down with no training whatsoever. Today, I started a tattoo. No, I am not in a numb place. But when I made the appointment several weeks ago I was. It is not a rash decision, it is one I have been planning for a really long time. But today, in that chair, the tattoo needles ripping my flesh apart, I knew I was alive, no doubt about it. I even had to stop before it was finished, because I felt so much pain. Which is weird, right? I feel a pain of some sort all the time. But this is different, it is a different pain. And when you feel emotional pain, the numbness, the depression, the flashback, you will do anything to stop it. Whether it is to numb it, or to have another pain, anything but that emotional hell that you are feeling.
I really encourage anyone who has experienced a loss, a trauma of any kind to get a good therapist and really good and safe people to support you. This experience/reaction does not happen to everyone, but it has the potential to, and having that feedback, support, and accountability is critical. It is important to develop healthy habits, even if you have to start one at a time, so they are engrained when you are feeling like absolute shit. Then your tendency to to go to the more healthy versus the alternatives. Be honest with yourself as much as possible (I often will say out loud, yup, this is not a good idea, yet I am still going to do it). Have people to call you on your bullshit. Be honest with others. Again, good and safe people around you can be the difference between going down that rabbit hole and not. Grief, loss, and trauma of any kind affects so many different aspects of our being, our soul, our lives. We sadly don’t have roadmaps of what that may look like. Reading, educating oneself, support groups, therapy are all excellent ways to help with the potential things that ones mind may do to try and cope. But most of all, be compassionate with yourself. I often will say to a patient (and myself), what would you say to your child, your best friend in a time like this. Do that and say that to yourself as well. You matter.
Today’s tattoo