The sadness has had to do with the recent death of my father. Of course it brings up the sadness and loss associated with all who are gone, my mom, Jesse, Maribella, and now him. It stirs this emotional landscape within, that ranges from this extreme emptiness to a welling of up sadness and grief that I often keep at bay, mostly for my own sanity. I have been wandering a bit spacily over the last two weeks, trying as I may to make my brain cooperate. I cannot remember anything, often cannot follow a conversation nor contribute anything useful. I was on a call yesterday and for the life of me, was lost. Today’s was slightly better. In fact, today, I was able to make all the calls on my to do list. Until just this moment. I am at my daughters aikido class writing this (as I often am) and looked up at her practicing for her belt test Friday. I have many a time took a picture and sent it to my dad and just went to do that. And I can’t. And just like that the tears arise. I am fighting them back so not to totally freak out everyone present. The cryfest I was waiting for however arrived Sunday. I started watching The Crown (how have I missed this?!). It is about the life of the current Queen Elizabeth. The first two episodes are finding out her dad, King George vi was ill, then ultimately dying. It showed a love and compassion for his family, keeping the severity of the news from them, while doing his best to enjoy the last of his days to the fullest. I was teary through most of it. When his daughter, Princess Margaret came in to see him while he was being embalmed, my tears sincerely started. When the credits hit, I ran upstairs and sobbed. The sobbing and snot fest I am so accustomed to. I knew I needed to get it out as painful as it is. It is still not fun though.
This is all on the tail of a few days of absolute joy. You have read over the past year my astonishment of finding someone who I not only fell in love with, but also learned to trust. Both I never thought I would be able to do or have again. There is a quality to me with him, with us, that has this calming effect, a contentedness, a knowledge that he has my back, that anything that comes our way, we can do. I am not capturing it completely. He amazes me with his knowledge, his ability to learn, his compassion and willingness to listen and really hear me, the ability to both dream big and be sensible and realistic. Like I have said above, he has this calming affect on me, that even when I am wound up, just putting a hand on him has a sedative affect on my nerves. And when it doesn’t, he holds me. He has held me many times over the last weeks as my dad went from kinda sick, to super sick, to dying. He has held me over the last year when I am overcome with emotion about Bells. Or anything for that matter. I have never worked so well and comfortably within a relationship. And that is just the tip of how I feel. I am so grateful my dad got to meet him. I am so glad he gave us our blessings “for whatever you guys have planned.” The day before he went into the hospital for that last time, I got to give him our upcoming news. I said, well dad, we were planning this anyways, but with health insurance realities, him selling his house eventually, we are going to do a courthouse wedding before the end of the year with a more planned one with our community next year. He was overjoyed. I was talking with my sister that afternoon when he called her. She jumped off the phone with me to answer his, and then called me back. She laughed because he was calling to share the news with her and was tickled pink. As I was holding my dad’s hand while he was in the hospital, he said how happy he was that I found such a wonderful man and knew I would be in good hands, and that he could tell how much he loved and cared for Raffi and I. On our last phone call, it was much the same.
As I stood before a few friends and family this past Friday, a joy bubbled up within that I have not felt in a long long time. What an honor it was to say “I do.” What fun it was to look across at him (and still is) with a twinkle in my eye and say, husband.
I know the roller coaster will continue, as I am familiar with griefs continuous journey. The nice thing though is that I have this amazing and wonderful partner by my side in this crazy ride called life.
