Between traveling and starting whole 30 nine days ago, I have not been running. I am not a natural runner, am slow as molasses, don’t love it, but do it for sanity purposes. It has consistently been the one thing since Jesse and Bella died that has helped. All the things they say about exercise helping depression are true. 

It is not like I haven’t been active. When we were in Costa Rica, we did some hiking and walking everyday. But running in 90+ humidity, no thanks. Then coming back to catch up with life after I was mostly gone for a month, I ran a couple of times that week, not my normal 3-4. Then, we decided to try Whole 30. Ugh. Last week, I tried to run, and literally almost passed out, saw stars several times, broke out in a cold sweat, and said, hmm, maybe this is not a good idea. Did several long walks, but not quite the same endorphins.

I just have to say, I am not so sure about this Whole 30 thing. It is a good reset, no doubt. But for someone whose diet is already pretty decent, not perfect, but decent, it is reeking havoc on my system. F and I have been more grumpy with each other and the world over the last nine days, it’s kinda a bummer.  It didn’t help that we worked on my Portland house the entire weekend, packing, hauling and doing construction.  We had to put a waterproofing system in downstairs and had to take a wall, and part of  other walls. This weekend was about learning how to put them back up. I don’t like taping and spackling by the way. That part is coming along slowly, and the house is mostly empty at this point, the odds and ends that are left that seem to multiply.  Needless to say, I was extremely active.

But not active enough. Over the past couple of weeks, I watched my brain do its thing. I am familiar with my brain and depression.  When you have been dealing with it for 30+ years, it is a companion at that point. It has ebbed and flowed, the ebbs gentle reminders of the beauty of life. The flows, a struggle to remember that. I think there is a part that is chemical, and a part that was taught by my mom. If there was a blue sky, and one cloud, she would focus on the cloud. Not all that time, she encouraged and supported me in a lot of ways, but there was a glass half empty thing that was inherent and permeated. Add chemical and hormones into the mix, and I had my first thoughts of suicide around 13. I described this once to my sister, I often have to choose to be happy everyday, it is not a given. My brain will often go to the negative. It has taken A LOT of self work to combat that.

Since Jesse and Bella died, the depression is a given, from low grade to high. It took me a very long time to even see color and beauty again in the world. I did everything I could to stay.  Running was an integral part of the equation that worked. Yet, we as humans sometimes have selective memories, especially when it comes to something that we don’t love love. So, over the past month or so, I have barely run compared to my normal. I thought, well, I am still exercising, just a different way. Well, that did not go over so well. The depression has slowly been creeping back. There have been a lot of reasons to the why. I have been thinking of Bella a lot, especially with this move and finding things of hers. I found one of her blankets the other day, and just sat paralyzed on the bed smelling it (yes, it still smelled like her) and tears just pouring out. It has also been really hard with my other kid. There is so much going on there, and so so much worry.  That is another conversation in itself. But, has been keeping me up nights. Add in this reset with whole 30, it is kinda a duh that it has been creeping back.

As an acupuncturist, I am always touching peoples bodies, and am often treating them for pain. With computers and technology, that pain is often in their neck and upper back. If I had a dollar for every time I found tight and painful muscles and heard the comment, oh, I did not realize it was so bad back there, I would be retired. Often, we don’t realize something is “that bad” until we get relief. I found that out today after my run. The endorphins kicked in, and after, there was some lightness present again. I would’t go crazy and say, light, but a relief of sorts.

I know this stuff. But, sometimes I forget, we all do.  It honestly was the first time since they died I had taken this long of a break.  And, after the past couple weeks, probably the last time I will forget. Live and learn.

This is from a run from April