I was just at the American Association of Suicidology’s 50th Annual Conference in Phoenix, AZ this past week, where I had the honor to speak at twice (which is kind of a big deal for me).  Yeah, that is a mouthful, you should have seen the faces of people on the plane when they asked what conference I was going to and speaking at.  I digress, which I apologize ahead of time with this one, I am a little jet-lagged, which I will get to. 

Anyways. When they announced the dates of this conference, I was worried regarding the timing being so close to the anniversary.  Actually, to be honest, I had several internal freak outs, because as you have gathered from these past few weeks, the leading up is much worse for me.  The few days before I left where actually almost comical, well, sort of. I went into work last Monday to find my ceiling leaking in one of my treatment rooms, with a booked solid day and no wiggle room to reschedule. Let’s say it worked out, but not without several long moments throughout the day doing deep breathing exercises. I had to also practice my one talk for Thursday and prepare for my panel on Saturday.  The Thursday one was very vulnerable, as it was talking about the murder suicide of Jesse and Maribella. My goal is to do this without notes, kind of like a TED talk. I practiced over and over, and feel like I nailed it, glancing down at my notes vs reading word for word. The feedback was exactly what I wanted in that people came up after and said thank you for sharing your story, it is so powerful, and your ability to articulate what you went though is amazing. Or something like that. The best is when counselors come up and tell me by sharing my story, I help them help others, as no one is talking about this. Saturday was much the same. I was on an amazing panel of people whom I have so much respect for in this field.  The fact that I was even on this panel still humbles me. I kind of think they are like rock stars :). We did a panel of different lived experiences of suicide loss, all of sharing deeply personal experiences. I realize I go into this zone of painting a picture of what I went through, minus too many details, but the raw continous journey of this fucked up experience. Again, the feedback was genuine and re-inforcing of the work I want to do in education and advocacy.

By the end of Saturday though, I hit a wall of exhaustion.  After very little sleep over three nights, which I know is a huge trigger in emotional breakdowns for me, I stumbled onto a plane Sunday, and got home.  Luckily my best friend who picked me up from the airport, is very understanding as she has seen me in this state of no sleep before, and was patient as I recapped the past few days at a mile a minute.  Then I collapsed again for a power nap and got up to do laundy and pack as Raffi and I were leaving the next day for our get the fuck out of Portland for the anniversary trip. Wow, I curse a lot more when I am tired.

She picked Hawaii. I picked the Big Island. Sunday and Monday (yesterday, when we left) waves of emotions and processing ran into the exhaustion. The people at this conference are there for a reason, to go out of business, meaning they succeeded in reducing death by suicide to zero. It’s like an eclectic family of researchers, support peeps, loss and attempt survivors, and  various others.  Last year when I went, I was still so raw, and nervous, so did not have the confidence that I had this year. I met person after person who shared their reasons and stories of why they were at the conference. Their vulnerability still brings me to tears. And what I found was an understanding and compassion that I normally don’t find in sharing mine. That by itself is like the warm bear hug that can promote threads of healing within.

As you can tell, I am still processing and am quite tired. I appreciate your patience as this one is a bit more rough around the edges, my body is letting me know that it is close to midnight my time right now. I am relieved that the conference allowed my mind a distraction from the anniversary. When I do this work, I am able to compartmentalize in a way that helps so much. It occupies the hamster wheel of emotions and flashbacks that normally plague me into a constant state of anxiety, especially at this point so close. Today, my daughter and I snorkelled in the warm healing waters that are so magical in these islands. I felt like I was in a salt water fish tank and even had the luck to swim with several sea turtles. I felt the exhaustion lead to anxiety today, and worry that now that we are more settled, I have time, which is not always my friend. It is easy for people to say, relax, enjoy your time with your daughter, what a trip. Yes. And. I am on this trip for a reason. That reason never leaves my conscious and sub conscious. So yes, I will enjoy this amazing time in this magical place with Raffi, however, it will be bittersweet as many things often are as this third anniversary is mere days away.

Me during my talk on Thursday

The sunset tonight on The Big Island of Hawaii