My mind has been going non-stop since last week when I heard of Chester Bennington’s death. I watched and read as my suicide prevention community lit up Facebook with heartbreak and further resolve.
When someone dies by suicide, there are a circle of many that are affected, much more than you realize. The obvious is immediate family and friends, but it could also be the person that works in New Seasons that saw them every week, it could be the librarian that saw them weekly with the kids as well (I am talking personal experience of what I observed after Jesse and Bella died). The imprint of that person is forever carved into your being. When someone famous dies by suicide, the world pays attention, and that circle is so much larger.
When someone dies by suicide, there are so many emotions that come up for the loss survivors. They are all normal. I have been an acupuncturist for 17+ years, and one of the things I have said over and over to my patients is that all emotions are valid and normal, it is when we deny them, suppress them or even feel them too much, is when it creates disharmony in the body. It is important, no, critical, that we feel these emotions. People are often surprised that I have been so open and forthcoming with my grief process after Jesse and Bella died. I say to them, if I don’t it will all stay in and I won’t make it.
Let me elaborate on that. I have had thoughts of suicide since I was a teenager on and off. It has increased since Jesse and Bella died suddenly May 2014. My therapist stopped asking if I had them, instead he rephrased, to what extent are you having them. I think luckily I read this quote after I had passed the one year mark, but the stats of my dying by suicide in that first year was dramatic, it still is, but that first year was astonishing. We are wired to survive. It is an inherent thing that has kept our species going for this long. Imagine if we were not? Right? Look at the stats of people who have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived (please read up on Kevin Hines who I had the honor of meeting recently). They often regretted their decision immediately. Does that mean they are “cured” and will never attempt again? No. Although we are wired to survive, we also do not like being in pain. Pain can show up in so many ways, including mental. There are those of us who fight with our own brains everyday. If you have not experienced this, you would not understand. I had a conversation with my sister about this once and she does not go to the place where she would do anything (think about or attempt suicide) to make it stop. I told her I was jealous. Some call it demons, some call it other things. It is a darkness. It is a darkness that if not curbed can snuff out any reasoning or light in your world.
Suicide is so complicated. There is not one reason why it happens. Thomas Joiner has a great book called Why do People Die By Suicide (this link will give you a great synopsis). There has to be a desire to die by suicide in addition to the means, which includes both psychological as well as literal. I think about Jesse, I look at abandonment by mother figures, childhood abuse, mental illness, and the icing on the cake, the car accident that took his coping mechanisms away. He felt hopeless, he felt that sense of burden on others. He had the means. I only wish I knew what I know today. He fought and fought his demons day after day. A culmination of things occurred, a whirlwind, and that darkness in his mind won. That darkness that occurs is not rational. At all. It reminds me of the devil sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear.
Which brings me to the question what does one do? The answer is different for each person. Some people can’t step outside that pain, which is why it is so important for people to know the signs of someone considering suicide so that they can support them in getting help (see the graphic at the end made by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) There are crisis lines which have the most amazing people on the other end that can help (I met so many at the last American Association of Suicidology conference). I can say though, someone who may be suicidal may or may not use those resources. When I have been in the darkest of darkest places over these past three years, all I can think of in that moment is stopping the pain. And. This leads me to emphasize self care. That looks different for everyone. But some of the things that are important is a good therapist. If you go to one and don’t like them, try another, and another until you find someone you do. Medication if necessary. Exercise. Eating well. Those last ones can be hard if you are depressed. Ask for help. I was brought up as that being pretty much an evil concept. I can do it. Yeah, no, not always. After Jesse and Bella died, I learned quickly to say, yes, thank you when help was offered. I have learned these past three years that people who care about you want to help, let them. Practice asking. Have a handful of people who you trust who you can call and say, hey, I am having a hard time…can you talk? Have those people check in everyday with you. These are just a few of the things that can help, it is a matter of finding the ones right for you.
Dese’Rae Stage is an amazing human being who I met two years ago at the AAS conference in Chicago and had the honor of being on a panel this past year in Phoenix. She has a shirt (which I need to order!!!) that simply says “stay.” She does so much advocacy work and I admire her so much (which if you click on the link above, you will find out). But that expression, stay. It haunts me sometimes when I think of Jesse. I wish he had. I wish I had known more about suicide and suicide prevention. This is why I have put so many links in here! This is why I have dedicated my life to advocacy. The thing is, the rates of suicide keep going up, it is unacceptable. If it were any other disease, there would be an uproar. There are many reasons for this, but part (again, this is a complicated matter) is stigma. People don’t want to talk about it, it is a sweep under the rug kind of, maybe if we ignore it, it will go away. I can tell you right now, suicide does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone. We need more resources, training available to common people like you and I, we need to be versed in what to look for and what to do if we come across someone who may be suicidal. We need to talk about it. Another colleague in the field, Craig Miller who is an attempt survivor and now does advocacy put out a video this weekend that is a must watch, seriously, I linked it to his name above.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, over 44,000 die annually, 121 people die each day, for every suicide there are at least 25 attempts (These are stats from the AFSP, click on the link for further information). This is too many people. The ripple effects of a suicide are devastating for those left behind. Suicide is preventable.
#youmatter #stay #beheretomorrow #youareloved #itsoknottobeok #mentalhealthmatters #itsoktoaskforhelp #knowthesigns #reachout #youarenotalone
If you’re struggling, reach out. There is hope and there is help. The Lifeline is there for you, 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741
