It is new years day, 2020, and a helluva couple of weeks.

Two weeks ago, I had a hysterectomy. Before, I was very focused on finishing up work stuff so that I could concentrate on healing, and being close to Christmas, trying to get everything done present wise. Christmas is very mixed for me. Before Bella and Jesse died, it was one of my favorite holidays, something that my mom and dad passed on to me. Growing up, Christmas eve was 30-40 people at the table, the house full of love, and Christmas day we would make our way to Queens to my grandmother’s house, for a traditional Italian experience. Once I had children, Christmas was its own special experience, watching the kids’ excitement and wonder. After they died, it became yet another knife in my heart, a reminder my sweet girl is no longer here. Christmas is right up there with her birthday in terms of heartache, pain, dread, and numbness. It has been five years now, and like many things, I have learned how to manage the best I can, learning to hold the aspects of joy along with the grief and make it through. What I did not know is how good of a distraction a surgery can be to it all.

Now, I don’t recommend this, however, I timed this so that it would have a minumum impact on time off from work. It also happened to be a week before Christmas. During that week, instead of all the feelings that normally come up, I was uber focused on what was going on in my body. I was too loopy and achy to have awareness otherwise. I told my OB yesterday, hmm, maybe I should try a surgery every year to avoid this? I am kidding. Sorta.

That being said, after a hysterectomy, one can feel a variety of mood swings. I kept my ovaries luckily, so am not dealing with the menopausal type of things that could happen, but a few days ago, my brain went dark, uncomfortably and concerningly so. Luckily (not sure if that is the right word?) I know enough when that happens to know it is temporary. I was constantly reminding myself that it was normal, that things are balancing out, etc. But damn, it is hard. I pretty much sat in front of my jigsaw puzzle all day and avoided my family. I was on the edge of tears, rage, hopelessness, despair, all in one. It has gotten better slowly, but not all the way gone. Yesterday, I had an aha moment that I have not excercised in two weeks. Duh. That is one of the major tools I have to keep these feelings at bay. Glad to know it is working. In one of my darker moments I exclaimed, I am done with advocacy. Just done. I don’t make a dent or difference, why am I even bothering, people do not take me seriously (I told you it was bad). My brilliant husband calmly looked at me and said, sweetie, you just had major surgery, it is common to have a lot of emotions, it is not a good idea to make any major life decisions right now. Probably good advice.

We went to friends for a bit last night. I was in a meh mood, not feeling fantastic from my doctors appointment as she had to do an internal exam to look at something, which left me quite achy. I am glad we went, even if it was for a short bit. It reminds me how important our community is, that net that catches us when we need it. We got home, I crawled in bed, and drifted a bit until 12am came. Then the fireworks came.

So, I realize, either I am too tipsy to notice, am at a place that I can’t hear them, or am en route and can’t hear them. I was lying in bed, every time one went off, I jumped and clenched at the same time, my hands gripping the pillow that I was holding. My brain went into PTSD overdrive. Every one sounded like a gun shot. Every one I thought of Jesse and Bella. I will spare you the rest of the thoughts which went on for most of the night. Have I mentioned I hate fireworks?

I napped on and off this morning on the couch, and am feeling a bit better, though tired and worn out. It has been a while since the flashbacks were that bad, and I forget the emotional and physical toll it takes.

I am contemplative. Over the past couple days on Facebook, people were reflecting on the last ten years. What can I say to the last ten years? Seriously. Instead, I am focusing on healing from this surgery, taking it a day at a time, and not making any major long term goals or decisions. I am working on the same thing I have for the past 5 1/2 years, figuring out ways to have as much peace in my body as I can ever have and self-love and compassion. I won’t be able to stay otherwise, and I want to.

I wish you a peaceful start to this new year, and may it be filled with self-love, love for others, and times of peacefullness.