There was a time in my life when being alone was a scarce occurrence. After being married and having two young children, I craved the silence that occurs after everyone is finally asleep at night. Then it changed. It all changed. Continue reading
From July 3 2016
The other night, I was open and vulnerable with someone, so hard to do intimately now, well, always, but especially now, in a more honest straight forward way.
Later on, I heard a Joni Mitchell song, “Both Sides Now.” It made me think of Bella. And just like that another layer flew off like a hummingbird taking flight. That layer, because there are so many, so distinct, left me on the floor, a place I am so intimate with in these moments with her. Continue reading
When one is faced with living with the mind numbing horrific trauma that I have seen, one learns to distract themselves.
At first, when everything is fresh, you walk around like a zombie (which after seeing dead bodies, you really don’t ever want to see a picture of a zombie or have to explain to someone why you cannot watch The Walking Dead). You do random things, like clean the kitchen, organize a box, pay bills. This is like the next day. Because you cannot sit still. Your brain is trying to wrap itself around what happened and it can’t, because it is so fucking unbelievable. A quote that I heard after was “you cannot make sense out of something that never will make sense” plays around, because we are mostly rational in our day to day. We want to understand, make sense of things. And this, this thing, you cannot. Continue reading
I was going to go through the hundreds of things I have written over the past couple of years and post something from that. That is the nice thing about when you are consistently trying to do a “regular” thing (ie. every Tuesday) and you are busy. That was not my excuse today. Today I just don’t want to. Frankly, I don’t want to much these past few days. Then I figured, what is the point of being raw and honest if you don’t. So here I am. Continue reading